21.6.03
woke up realli early today to send dad off. had bk breakfast at the airport. woohoo. yash, jealous? ha. sending him off was such a goddamn moving scene. whoa. never witnessed anything as bad as this, think every one of us just felt so helpless and lost right after his departure. the vulnerability of a woman is simply pathetic. then went to WH Smith and they had the harry potter books sold there. sis and i were totally tempted to get ourselves a book but mum didnt seen quite keen on it. and the thing is, they had this lucky draw thingy, whoever made a purchase of the books were entitled to a dig into a bag [the lucky draw] and one of the prizes included choosing a harry potter toy?! k, that's a kid's thing but it was doubly frustrating because almost every single kid who bought the book managed to get a toy? i dont see how but anyway, heck, seeing ppl choosing the toys just like that made me jealous. haha. okay, immaturity on my part, but it's a free toy can? forget it. later went to the book rental shop again.....and guess what, we deliberately lingered around the shopping centre just to await the arrival of the harry potter books that the man went to collect, and now, we have a harry potter book at a reduced price and if we are to return the book, it'd be reading at $10 instead of the $40+ if purchased. teehee. then i saw in the papers that only the WH Smith had the silly lucky draw thingy. urgh! and we so happened to be there without the slightest realisation of what was happening! hmmz, yash, ur 'premonition' abt WH Smith the other day did come true afterall. real funky. it was fated somehow that dad would leave today and i'd be at the airport and yet......
missing you my dear mrt pal. waiting for your return. waiting for sch to reopen. got a surprise for you! :) [and you'd better like it, or at least, appreciate it, hehe]
den* stepped on your garbage at
20.6.03
every night before i sleep, the same old thoughts creep up on me but i never find any solutions nor answers. it's a cyclical effect - i lay on the bed, the thoughts come, try to sleep, then the thoughts gradually dispel automatically as exhaustion remains the overpowering one. read in the book sth abt jealousy, self-pity and a few other feelings people experience, wow, they were just so uncannily true. the author's superb at description and the whole feeling just comes alive. intended to copy the paragraph here but i've lost the page anyway.
dad's leaving. saddening. sis asked me whether i felt sad. er...i just have this incurable habit of being unable to express my thoughts in terms of verbal dialogue and even facial expressions. so, my answer seemed really shallow and it was something that no one can detect what i truly feel beneath that facade. sis thought that i didnt feel a thing, that i didnt understand what it felt. it's not true. i just dont know how to show it. it's not me to be entirely straightforward. the only authenticity of the voice in me can be explored through the use of words, in the languages. doro, think this will be helpful for you, to catch a glimpse of the denise wong you'll never witness in real life. :)
ive developed this inexplicable fear in me. fear of the unknown and the uncertain. no, it's not a fear. it's phobia.
the entire episode has taught me many things in such a short duration. everything zapped by so quickly. ive grasped a lot. maybe a wee bit too much. been through a whole new series of fresh experiences and valuable lessons in life. something that textbooks will never teach. there's no formula unlike maths. it's about going according to your gut and instincts. some would describe it as thrilling but i'd rather call it insecurity. it's like walking blindfolded, not knowing what to expect. then you run into obstacles, overcoming them or simply letting them fade one by one. it's a hell of a funky experience, yes, but im too weak to go for the ride again. my insides are topsy-turvey and legs are wobbly like jelly. the lack of strength. the ideal remedy: to convalesce in the comfort of.....of....i dont know what. just to get myself out of it all. heck.
ever considered self-mutilation? in some corner of the dark side of me, i think the idea did flash across once. maybe twice. but of cos i aint that stupid. and i lack the guts. just a passing thought anyway... hehe. :D
den* stepped on your garbage at
18.6.03
it just struck me how many character traits the both of you share, how sickeningly alike the both of you are. it frustrates me - not the fact that both of you are similar but rather, the fact that both of you bear that same character trait. it's a kind of selfish mindset you both adopt when it comes to certain friends, you desert everything else so tactlessly and the most annoying part being, you both never consider the feelings of others. perhaps it's just both of your natures but being so downright insensitive just irks me. ive closed an eye on many occasions, in fact, i havent voiced any displeasure till now. but it's happening repeatedly and so frequently. everytime the both of you do something like that, a huge waves comes up all the way from inside me, threatening to spill out, and i cajole the tide to return to its origin, to iron out the complexity of the emotions in me. maybe certain people are not important in your lives, but that doesnt give you both the excuse to forsake basic courtesy, to act with such disdain. there is such a thing in life called priorities, and from my point of view, this word doesnt seem to exist at all in both your dictionaries. the shame of our acquaintance is sometimes just so poignant. i ponder, what is the definition of true friends?
den* stepped on your garbage at
17.6.03
watched bananas in pyjamas this morning. ooh, brought back wonderful childhood memories! :D it's my first day at home, it's kinda enjoyable actually. got down to doing work, yes, and there's this great sense of accomplishment after the past few weeks of slacking. :) went to rent a book, can ya just believe it? heheh. it's nice. im serious, it's nice. so i guess i'll be occupied for the nx couple of days with the book, considering the fact that the speed at which i read is worse than that of a sloth's crawl. :) the comp plug has been confiscated for the past two days and it'll probably be gone till sch reopens. *sigh* that explains why im online at this time of the day because that's only when it's allowed. blogging is as addictive as narcotics is to a person hooked onto drugs. oh, btw, insomnia creeped in on me last night again. i've been sleeping on the opposite side of the bed for the past few nights because i feel that changing the 'environment' does help to ease one into slumberland. it has proven itself to be true, on me at least. so, to those who have difficulty sleeping, no harm giving it a try! :) ive succeeded in keeping nonsensical thoughts at bay the whole of today and i think i deserve a pat on my back, heh, life just rocks this way, because i live life for myself and not for any imbecile on the streets. just thought of sth just now. with the opening of nel, stead and i will have more 'hotspots' to play around with when sch's back! heehee. rather than having no choice but to slide and direct our fingers along the same ol' green line at cmnwlth statn's routemap. guess if forensics were to pick up a case on that routemap, our fingerprints would be most evident there. ;) i look forward to a beautiful and tranquil night of rest followed by another delightful day of relaxation and freedom. nitex~
den* stepped on your garbage at
16.6.03
spent the day with the sticky bunch. heh. yay! and to beloved stead, nx time dont have to hesitate if you wanna er....'get close to me'..ahhah. wth. hug then hug la. frenz mah? learn from jo perhaps. hehehe. :D okie, im reminded of the stupid guy that made that stupid camera sound. wth. total embarrassment....and to think daphne didnt even feel a slightest bit embarrassed?! thick-skinned i suppose. hehe. okie, here's what the guy did. daph and i were taking a photo and these two guys came up an escalator and when they saw us, one of them made the camera clicking sound, i cant explain it. nvm. and it was so embarrassing cos we were like standing there and smiling and we couldnt do anything right? couldnt turn my head and start diao-ing them either. wasting a photo on guys is the last thing one should do. heh. it was plain stupidity.
had precious onion rings!! :D a long-awaited treat. sorry stead, you had to put up with the agonising aroma of the onion rings!
it was pretty sad when we had to part, when we each took separate paths and waved farewell. one by one, we moved away, our figures disappeared. residing in different points on this tropical island, no matter how sparse land is here, we seem to be miles apart from one another. there's an intangible distance that none of us can close up. this gap will grow gradually, no doubt about it. the only thing i can guarantee though, is that regardless of where we're located, how far apart we are, my heart will always be joined with yours. my hand will always be reaching out for you, if you're willing to take it. and if you're willing to take it, we're as good as seated next to one another. once again, parting is indeed such sweet sorrow. and this time (without connotations, i promise), good things never last. but in my opinion, the bond of friendships is resistant to external factors like time and distance, and the best part is, even though good things never last, memories last for eternity.
to cease whiling my time away on trashy thoughts, it is imperative that i resume my mathematics homework tomorrow. even though that would mean a monotonous life, it still beats wasting my youth on other pathetic issues that are not worthy of my concern. at the very least, i'll no longer be an insomniac after tonight.
den* stepped on your garbage at
15.6.03
life's like a stage. the actors don fancy attire and make-up. it's all about role-playing; pretentious facades. adopting a different personality. the one who exits first loses. the one who cant take the pressure first loses. the one who hides behind the stage curtains to shun the other players first loses. it's a matter of time - every actor has his prime and fall, every actor retires after he curtseys and waves at his last show. but here lies the difference: whether he leaves as a newcomer or veteran; whether he leaves with a showy standing ovation or simply fades away into the background, silently and slowly, like how paint fades off objects without human realisation. like any other person, i am an actor, but only in the presence of a selected honoured few. to unravel the genuine side of me, mutual trust has to be established. you require a key. someone once had the key but because of his nonchalence, it slipped out of his hands and he never found it ever again. because he let the key fall into an abyss. a bottomless pit. dont try it.
den* stepped on your garbage at